Letters by Lizzie

I was brought up in church, my mom made sure her children heard the word of God and I played the part. I sang for the church, served in the nursery, and did mission trips with the youth group. I knew of God’s love, I knew scripture, my knowledge of Christ’s sacrifice for me was etched into my brain since childhood. But I didn’t receive it, I didn’t truly comprehend.

On the outside everything looked good but on the inside I was not ok. Shame, regret, guilt, pain, they followed me wherever I went. Feelings of being worthless, unlovable and absolute emptiness brought me into a dark time of self harm and thoughts of suicide. At 17 I dropped out of high-school, ran away and met and married a 25 year old guy that made me feel wanted. He introduced me to a whole new world of sex, drugs and alcohol. Fast forward about 4.5 years and all that “worth and love” that I found in him, was gone when he left me for someone that could give him what I could not.

7 months after the divorce

July 5, 2006, Age 22

I had the worst headache I had ever experienced, so when I got home I took some migraine medicine and took a hot shower. I began feeling very dizzy and unstable so I had to sit down in the tub. My body was getting weaker and no longer able to hold myself up. Scared out of my mind I cried out to Jesus, something I hadn’t done in years, and that’s when I heard a knock on the bathroom door. I couldn’t call out but my brother says that he heard something and knew that something wasn’t right. He broke open the door to find me laying in the tub in an awkward position. He ran over, turned off the water, made sure that I was safe, ran downstairs to get my dad and called 911.

At the hospital they told my family that I had had a stroke, at which point I was still able to answer questions and help the nurses take all my body piercings out to get an MRI. But then later that night I had a seizure that changed my life in ways I could never have imagined. The doctor told my parents I might not make it through the night, if I did I wouldn’t ever breathe on my own, never swallow, never walk, never talk again. “The lines of communication in the brain aren’t working”

If you can’t tell, I made it through the night! I woke to tubes and wires everywhere, and a body that wouldn’t work. I couldn’t breathe on my own, couldn’t swallow, couldn’t talk, couldn’t walk, I couldn’t even move. My eyes were the only part of me that I could operate and the only way I could communicate. By blinking once for yes and twice for no I could answer questions. For about a month I was in what they call a locked-in syndrome, when you are completely aware but your body will not move. I was very scared, very depressed and felt very alone. I spent most of my awake time in tears and screaming at God in my head. With gospel music playing in my ICU room 24/7 and a body that wouldn’t move, I had a month of “forced” stillness before the Lord.

In the midst of that indescribable pain, I felt the love of Jesus like never before! Filling up the emptiness I felt with His grace and mercy and love and peace. It took some time and countless moments of breakdowns and pity parties but I discovered a deep, unshakeable relationship with the Lord and found myself falling in love with Him more each day. I found my worth and an unshakeable love that won’t ever abandon me no matter the situation. From knowledge OF Christ to getting to know my Savior Jesus Christ!! Through His grace, I’ve learned to embrace who I am, knowing I am wonderfully made, even if I don’t fit the world’s definition of “perfect”